I'm frustrated. And sad.
I had a midwife appointment today and I was expecting ... I don't know what I was expecting. Good news? Validation? Proof that things are moving along? I got nothing. I'm still only a centimeter dilated and my cervix is still about 2 centimeters long. But it's soft! She tried to reassure me. That doesn't make me feel better!
Do you know what this means? This means that not one little thing has changed since last week. All of this false labor bull crap, all of these stabbing pains in my cervix, they are doing NOTHING. No progress. It's just adding injury to insult. Not only is my body not progressing, but I'm going through all the pains that should indicate that it IS! LUCKY ME!
I want to kick everyone right in the junk who ever told me that second babies come early or that the second time around the body knows just what do to. Evidently my body missed that memo. All it knows how to do is gestate For.Ev.Er.
So now I have an appointment in a few days for a non-stress test and an ultrasound to check for low amniotic fluid since that's why Lucy was induced. Boo.
Chances are I'll have to be induced again. I shouldn't feel so bad about it, I know, but I feel like I'm failing. Like my body is failing. It should KNOW, right? It should DO this. This baby is big! He's fully cooked! C'mon guys! Let's eject!
Lord knows, I am fully aware of how incredibly blessed and lucky I am that this baby is healthy and growing, that he's fully developed and strong, that we never had to deal with prematurity issues. But that doesn't mean I'm not sad that I can't get the little freeloader OUT.
I want so badly for my body to do this on it's own. I want to be able to labor at home. I want to be able to do this in tete-a-tete with my Bubba instead of hooked up to machines in a hospital.
I know in my HEAD that the best case scenario is whichever one ends in a healthy baby and low risk for both of us, but my HORMONES tell me that I'm really sad and disappointed about all of this. And, well, we all know which of those is running the show.