Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Woe is Me

I'm frustrated. And sad.

I had a midwife appointment today and I was expecting ... I don't know what I was expecting. Good news? Validation? Proof that things are moving along? I got nothing. I'm still only a centimeter dilated and my cervix is still about 2 centimeters long. But it's soft! She tried to reassure me. That doesn't make me feel better!

Do you know what this means? This means that not one little thing has changed since last week. All of this false labor bull crap, all of these stabbing pains in my cervix, they are doing NOTHING. No progress. It's just adding injury to insult. Not only is my body not progressing, but I'm going through all the pains that should indicate that it IS! LUCKY ME!

I want to kick everyone right in the junk who ever told me that second babies come early or that the second time around the body knows just what do to. Evidently my body missed that memo. All it knows how to do is gestate For.Ev.Er.

So now I have an appointment in a few days for a non-stress test and an ultrasound to check for low amniotic fluid since that's why Lucy was induced. Boo.

Chances are I'll have to be induced again. I shouldn't feel so bad about it, I know, but I feel like I'm failing. Like my body is failing. It should KNOW, right? It should DO this. This baby is big! He's fully cooked! C'mon guys! Let's eject!

Lord knows, I am fully aware of how incredibly blessed and lucky I am that this baby is healthy and growing, that he's fully developed and strong, that we never had to deal with prematurity issues. But that doesn't mean I'm not sad that I can't get the little freeloader OUT.

I want so badly for my body to do this on it's own. I want to be able to labor at home. I want to be able to do this in tete-a-tete with my Bubba instead of hooked up to machines in a hospital.

I know in my HEAD that the best case scenario is whichever one ends in a healthy baby and low risk for both of us, but my HORMONES tell me that I'm really sad and disappointed about all of this. And, well, we all know which of those is running the show.


L said...

Not that this comment in anyway helps your sitch but GEEZ I AM EXCITED FOR BIDOU TO BE BORN. That is all. Come on baby/Liz's body. Do the baby stuff.

Elizabeth said...

I was SO disappointed and frustrated and annoyed and pissed off those last few days before Kates was born. Ugh, it was AWFUL. AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL. And things hadn't been any picnic before that but the waiting and the false labor and the unknowns and the being DONE just about killed me. The good news is that even though I was induced and it was NOT what I wanted and all that hoo ha, I forgot about all of it the second I saw that beautiful baby face.

Elsha said...

I hope this baby gets it in gear and arrives without the induction!

Carrie said...

I'm so sorry that things aren't moving along. It's totally okay to be frustrated and sad. That's normal. Praying for Mr. Baby to get his act together and show up in the outside work. Lucy's out here! And us! And the Children's Museum! Have you mentioned the Children's Museum to him? :)

Big hugs- you are in our thoughts and prayers big time.

Shelby said...

I'm so sorry, Lizzie. Have they said when they would induce, if it came to that? Hugs and prayers for you.

kirida said...

Awww, I'm sorry Liz. I know these last few days stretch on and on and on. But there's such a reward at the end even if it feels impossible to power through!