I was just thinking as I got up this morning, that things have been pretty awesome lately. And as we all know, happiness doesn't sell, so what am I to write on my blog? Self-congratulatory posts of how well I'm doing with my running routine? Bragging on how fun and awesome my kid is? As much as you can all be happy with me for those things, an interesting blog post it makes not.
So, lucky you, life kicked me in the pants today and I can tell you all about it.
It all started with a 5:30 am wake up for the day. Thank you, teeth that just don't stop coming. I figured since we were all up, we could drive the Bubba to work and then if I was out maybe I'd find the motivation to go grocery shopping right away and get it over with. I mean, really, YAY ME! right?
Well, let me tell you that grocery shopping a half hour after the place opens on Monday morning is Da Bomb. Everything was freshly stocked from the Sunday pillaging, and the sales from the weekend usually continue through the first part of the week. Awesomeness. ( Am I the only one who gets excited about this?) Everything's peachy, and I got ingredients for cranberry orange muffins, and life couldn't be brighter.
Halfway down the canned tomato aisle, Lucy started really acting up. She had been mildly crabby (see: 5:30 wake up), but nothing big. At this point, Lucy made it her life's mission to use her surprisingly fast little hands to take everything within reach in the cart and throw it to the floor, the louder or messier the better.
Shall I pause a second for the effect of those words to sink in?
My first reaction was to remove the child's flailing limbs from the environs of the missiles she wanted so badly to launch. As I leaned down to grab her, she snatched my glasses from my face and threw them to the floor with the other carnage. I was at a loss of what to do. I looked down and saw ... nothing. I have remarkably poor vision. I'm worthless without glasses or contacts and have been since I was 6 years old. If I were born in ancient times I probably would have been eaten by some predator very early in my life. So basically, I was up a creek, wishing I had a pair of glasses to find where my glasses had gone.
I got down on hands and knees and eventually found ... wait for it ... PART OF MY GLASSES. My pretty new glasses! My pretty new EXPENSIVE glasses! WHERE'S THE REST OF THEM? I had to crawl around a little more before I found the other piece. They had broken in two at the bridge. As I examined them, I saw that they hadn't broken, but one lens had come unglued from the special joint thingy attached to the bridge, and needed to be carefully slid back in. Hell if I could do that without my glasses on.
I stopped someone in the aisle down the way and asked if they could figure it out. It was a very nice lady who called me a "poor thing" and couldn't do anything because it didn't seem to fit together. At this point, I'm wondering how the heck I'm going to get home and I'm shaking with anger at my child who is still being a guiltless ape in the cart. A tear of frustration might have slipped out at this point.
I worked my way to the toy aisle, got some random thing off the shelf to shut Lucy up for Lucy to play with, and set to work trying to shimmy my lens back into its joint. It eventually got there and my glasses were fixed enough for me to get home, but not before I cried for almost loosing it on my baby (who is at this point being an ANGEL and telling me a "eeep" says "baa!") and for feeling so abso-freaking-lutely helpless.
After getting myself as together as I could, and getting the rest of the groceries, and checking out, and going back because I forgot some stuff, and then finally loading the car, I looked at the receipt. It seemed to me that they charged me too much for one item that was discounted, so I went BACK inside to the service counter where the representative said slowly in a sick sweet voice "Oh, no, Honey, see that? That's a NEGATIVE SIGN. That means you SUBTRACT that amount. Do you GET IT?" And then I went out to the parking lot and cried again because maybe I look stupid enough for people to talk to me like that. And only after I wiped my eyes to get on with my day, I wondered if I could beat the ensuing assault charges if I went back in knocked that lady's block off.
I'm hoping my day can only get better from here. The cranberry orange muffins might help.