Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Poop Battle 2009


We had the loveliest, laziest four-day weekend! Having the Bubba here makes everything nicer. Especially the diaper situations. Oh, did I tell you? We have a sort of agreement about diapers. Well, maybe not so much of an agreement as an ultimatum. A kind of laying down of the law. Sort of.

Here's where I talk about poop again (consider yourself warned).

Lucy is an amazing eater and therefore an amazing pooper. The volume that girl puts out rivals ... oh I don't even know what I want to compare it to, so I think I'll leave it at that and trust that you get the idea. Hm? Really? You want a visual? OohKAY. When I lived in Madison, (WI) I lived next door to this Great Dane named Lady, and she had the biggest dog poops I've ever seen. Lady's poops are to beagle poops as Lucy's poops are to other baby poops. How's that?

ANYHOO, the girl poops twice a day. And that's on a no-blueberry day.

Morning.

Afternoon.

Clockwork.

And guess who cleans up those two-to-three poopy diapers a day? This Mommy. And then when I sat and thought about it (when am I NOT thinking about poop, you ask?) I change on average 99% of Lucy's diapers every day. I get her up in the morning when the Bubba is getting ready for work, and I am bathing her and getting jammies on when the Bubba is coming home from work.

And let me just interject here that I do not at all resent the fact that since I am primary caregiver of this child that I get the brunt of the messy part of parenting. I'm just saying that all of that means that the Bubba changes about 4 diapers a week (this may or may not be an exaggeration). And after I sat and thought and did the math, I declared,

"THIS IS NOT FAIR."

Now the Bubba gets to change every poopy diaper during the weekend. If I start the change and catch a wiff? "Bubba! It's for you!" Like it's a stinky phone call he has to take in the nursery.

And me? I get a vacation from washing out cloth diapers in the toilet! From wiping the messes off of that cutest of bums!

And I like it. Oh, it's so, so nice to have a break from dealing with someone else's excrement.

Except! Somehow that conniving diabolical husband of mine plans things that I wouldn't plan. Like feeding the child bananas and cheese during the weekend. Then yesterday he performed some trick in the form of meals including blueberries and peaches and pears and yogurt and black beans.

The diaper this morning? Was ... well, I don't think there are adequate words in my vocabulary. It was astronomical. It was shocking. It was amazing. I thought for a moment about calling Guinness and asking if they have a poop volume by age category. If there are world class categories of contest pooping. Because Lucy could be making us some prize money.

And thus beginneth the Poop Battle of 2009.

Just you wait until Saturday, my friend. You think I don't know how this works? I've got some recipes of my own.


3 comments:

Carrie said...

I generally refuse to change diapers at all on weekends and evenings. But I'm fairly sure that Daniel is bribing Ethan somehow because Ethan only poops either during the day, or 30 minutes before Daddy gets home or on the weekends he waits until Daddy is in the shower or out running errands.

I look forward to hearing how the next battle in your poop war turns out :)

Annie said...

This is hilarious. I, too, change most of the diapers around here. For the most part, Tim doesn't complain when I ask him to do it...and quite often he'll do it without having to be asked. But all of this is because he works from home now. When he worked in an office, our system was very close to yours. I did everything during the week...he did most of the weekend work.

HOWEVER it should be noted that when we bring a newborn home (#3 will be arriving in November) he is always quick to remind me that "I changed the meconiums." I CANNOT TELL YOU how many times I've heard that line. Apparently in husband land, if you changed those first awful poopy diapers in the hospital, you get the next several weeks off.

Never mind that the only reason you *husband* changed the meconiums is because, in our case anyway, YOUR WIFE JUST HAD MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY TO GET YOU THAT BABY AND AS A RESULT SHE CANNOT MOVE.

Not that I'm easily embittered by the meconium comment or anything...

Lindsay said...

This is hilarious. Love how you casually mention it's nice to get a break from dealing with someone else's excrement. Who would have thought eh?