Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Day Before and the Year After That


I went to see my OB for the last time before the baby was born. I asked the Bubba to come with me because I knew she would want to have a discussion about inducing labor, and I was just too tired and too emotional to be able to deal with it by myself. Thankfully, he was able to go with me.

OMG Do you remember THIS PHOTO?
The SHEER ENORMITY OF IT!

After checking my cervix and fundal height, she rolled in the portable ultrasound machine for one last check of amniotic fluid. She was very quiet, so the Bubba and I filled the silence with jokes and chit chat, and when she was done, she sent us to the hospital explaining that the amniotic fluid was too low, the placenta had stopped working effectively, and the baby needed to be out.

We went home to pack a bag with intentions of reporting right to L&D after that, but I just kept thinking of other things to take care of. The book shelves needed dusting! And the toilet needed to be cleaned! And I want to put clean sheets on the bed! And my mom's coming on Friday, we need to set up the air mattress! And we never did get around to organizing this closet right! And we should go out to lunch!

We did enjoy a leisurely lunch of Chipotle complete with diet coke. Not much conversation, though. I was trying to imagine what it would be like to report to the hospital in order to prepare myself emotionally. The Bubba was probably thinking about what a mess he left his work stuff since we weren't planning on having a baby until the next Monday.

On the way to the hospital after lunch, I said "Let's go to a movie quick!" and the Bubba looked at me with an unreadable expression and said "No."

I said "Do we need anything from the grocery store?"
He said, "No."

I said "Lets swing by your office so you can clean up your desk."
He said, "No."

"Maybe we could just go take a quick nap at home?"
"No."

After 9 months of Hurry Up, I couldn't stand the fact that I didn't know what was going to happen at the hospital. And after. What if I'm not a good mom? What if I don't like my kid? WHAT IF OUR KID SUCKS?! The fear made me think of a million things left to do that I wanted to. A million excuses to wait just one more day.

I feel like tomorrow is MY birthday. The anniversary of the biggest transition of my life. I've come so far! I'm a kid's mom! I'm a different human being from what I was last year at this time.

It's been an entire year of figuring out and laughing and growing and living. And crying in frustration and wondering what the hell we were thinking and cuddling and planning and having fun. And maybe if I knew Lucy beforehand, I wouldn't have worried quite so much. She's been so easy in so many ways. She's so fun and funny and smart and entertaining.

She is the perfect person to help me fit into this new skin of motherhood.

5 comments:

Carrie said...

I can't believe she's going to be a year old. And what a fabulous 1-year-old she is! You and your hubby are doing a great job.

Happy birthday, Lucy!

Lisa said...

Beautiful, and true.

Two Sick Peas In A Pod said...

Happy Birthday Lucy!

Kate P said...

Oh my gosh, what a difference a year makes. Happy birthday to Lu! (You were cute as a "belly" but are even cuter in person now!)

Lindsay said...

Happy birthday, Lucy!! You're pretty. Your mom is, too.

...my word verification is patalou. Pat a Lou. Even it has love for Lucy on her birthday.