I got some better sleep last night. The child deigned to sleep through until 5:30 and my Bubba got up and fed her a bottle. So I got to sleep until 7:30! Woo hoo! Life sure does look different when you're rested doesn't it?
Fatigue is a good go-to excuse for the crabbies, but that's certainly not the only issue. I have been struggling with breast feeding. Lucy would prefer a bottle. I am making her breast feed. I don't want to continue breast feeding. But yet, I DO want to continue, otherwise I would quit, right? Well, yesterday as Lucy was getting frustrated because she just doesn't possess the patience to nurse and I was fighting with her to just finish already and she thought it was funny to kick me in the face, I just thought, ENOUGH ALREADY. Why am I torturing BOTH of us like this?
I have decided to wean her very slowly. As in, cut out the afternoon/evening feedings. That still leaves 2-3 breast feedings per day. We'll do this at least for a while and then I'll reassess after a few weeks and see how we both are doing. I have already cut out the bedtime feeding, but I've been pumping so she's getting breast milk for that bottle. I'll just quit that. Because I HATE pumping. I think this plan will work well for Lucy and for me.
So, why don't I feel more relieved than I do? What I feel is sadness. And that feeling you get when you're making a decision that impacts more than yourself of "what if this isn't the right thing?" And maybe even a little guilt like, "Why can't I just stick with this?"
Oh my goodness, there should be some sort of cure for wacky mommy hormones. But the decision is made, and I think it's a good one. And maybe my skinny baby will gain some weight back too when eating is less work, who knows!
I'm feeling a little fragile, like I need to take care of myself a little better. I'm going for a run when Lucy wakes up, and maybe I'll even do something nice like get a manicure or a haircut this weekend. Thank goodness the sun's supposed to shine!