Friday, March 13, 2009

WHINE

Lucy not napping since Sunday got old by, like, Monday. Darn daylight savings. Mr. Franklin? Was it really necessary? Really? It’s not the lack of schedule that irks me (though it IS irksome), it’s the crabby, clingy, needy baby that is a result. It makes me wonder if I’m doing this right. This Mom Thing.

I hear the baby crying/crabbing from her highchair after a long day of the same and the first thought in my head is “Oh Lord, please shut up.” or maybe “Where did Daddy hide that bottle of Schnapps?” instead of “What can I do for you?” Evidently I have to work on my customer service skills.

How does anyone deal with this constant crabbing? How does anyone have the patience? Lucy doesn’t need me to be in her face every waking hour so much any more (and thank goodness for that) but we’re in a place where she WANTS me to be and I want to get stuff done for myself or for the house or for dinner. By 4pm, I just have to repeat “Just hold it together until 6, just hold it together until 6” when the Bubba can come and relieve me at least by lending his presence to the situation, which, a lot of times, is just enough to change the mood.

There are some days when I feel so suffocated by the walls of our house and completely incapable of picking up these toys one more time and doing one more load of laundry and marking the passage of time by how many diapers we’ve been through. Days when I doubt my abilities to parent an older baby or (gasp!) a toddler. Days when I wish more than anything else I had somewhere I had to get to.

So, what if I get a job? But then I think about how very lucky we are to be able to afford for me to stay home and give Lucy the best care possible. Even if I worked full time chances are I wouldn’t make much more than it would cost to have someone fabulous watch my baby. And at this point, the jobs I could probably get would involve spending copious amounts of time teaching other peoples’ kids. That’s even if I could even find a job that needs filled. Lord knows there is a ton of people right now who would kill to be in my position. Bratty McBratterson.

I do work one day a week. And lately I’ve been picking up a few hours here and there since the Bubba can watch Lucy. He is on a very strict 40 hour workweek diet mandated by his higher-ups in an effort not to cut any more jobs. Which is nice, because I always know when I can expect him to be around.

It’s turned into a good situation. The Bubba gets some good day time hours to spend with Lucy, I get to get out and play like I’m an adult with adult things to do and schedules to keep and adult people to talk to about adult things.

I guess I’m having a hard time finding meaning for myself in a routine that leaves me feeling like I go in circles and don’t accomplish anything. In my brain I know full well that keeping me and Lucy alive some days is the absolute best case scenario, but in all my other parts it feels like failure and I get angry when I go to my drawer and I STILL don’t have any clean socks.

I know, I know, screw the socks, Lucy’s only little once, etc. Sigh. There’s nothing like feeling guilty about feeling angry about stuff I should feel lucky about!

I didn’t mean for this post to come off as so depressing. Thank goodness spring is coming. I think I need to get out more.

7 comments:

Carrie said...

Being a mom is HARD. So be kind to yourself, even when you're feeling like the walls are closing in or that you're going to lose your mind if your baby whines one more time. We've all been there.

I think that I met Daniel at the door every day for several straight months at the end of last winter with the baby in one arm and a bottle of wine in the other, and usually my first words were "oh good, you're home. now I can have a glass of wine." :)

Please call me or email when you're going insane, I'm always happy to get out and have an actual adult conversation!

Tara said...

Funny, out of SAHM desperation I took the girls for a walk and on said walk I was thinking/feeling the exact SAME things. You are not alone! *bratty sigh*

maggie said...

Um, yes?

When I get into that kind of funk I work very hard to remind myself how much I hated sitting in an office all day long. But then I remind myself that I had access to the INTERNET all day long, with no interruptions for diaper changing and meals and whining, and then I have a big long debate with myself whether work was REALLY that bad.

About parenting toddlers... They have their own challenges, but I think each little step towards independence is helpful in making you feel like you're not on call 24/7. I mean, JACK CAN FEED HIMSELF. That was a big big day in my life. Of course #2 came along, but I know one day she'll be feeding herself too.

Lindsay said...

You know, there's nothing wrong with the way you're feeling. You can't control your emotions; all you can control is your responses, and you seem to be doing just fine, Liz. Just because you're lucky and live a fortunate existence does not mean you are not allowed to grow tired and even a little frustrated of it. You love that little girl with all you've got, and, ultimately, that's what matters the most. Recognizing that you feel this way sometimes is a GOOD THING. Too many people try to deny it or ignore it, and that only ends disastrously at best, on the news at 6 at the very worst. The best thing you can do to be a good mother to Lucy is to be a good caretaker for yourself. You're only human, and so far as I can tell, you're a pretty good one at that. Is there anything you can be doing that will address your own emotional needs in the meantime to help you weather this phase any easier? *hugs*

Manda said...

Dude, you NEED clean socks. :) Also, I have totally told my baby to "shut it." YEAH, beat myself up for that one for a day or so.
I think motherhood and insanity pretty much go hand in hand. Sigh.

Kathy said...

Been there, had the same thoughts. Then your baby does something absolutely adorable adn you go back to normal. You'll be back in this place, but that's motherhood. You are not alone.

Lisa said...

Oh, I've been there. And sometimes I find myself back there. It's hard, I know, but I just keep reminding myself that it's a season...she'll continue to change. Things will get better. I try to get organized with things I can accomplish with baby in tow, and then I go out on "those days". She acts remarkably better on fussy-non-nap days if we are out doing stuff.