Friday, October 3, 2008

QLT

I've been doing some soul searching because it seems to me that my love tank isn't quite full and that means that something's not working quite as well as it should.  I'm not really sure what I expect from my Bubba, but there's just something missing...  I've just had to figure out what that something is.

And that something, I have decided after much reflection, is that being a mommy is hard ass work and I'm tired.

My day involves being at the beck and call of a thirteen pound human, and between meeting her demands, I am trying to make a nice house and nice meals for the other human that lives here.  At the end of the day I'm so exhausted from all the pressure I'm putting on myself to make sure that my family's happy that I get sad!

The antidote that I've come up with? QLT - Quality Lizzie Time.  It's been about two weeks since I've come up with this plan to make myself happy by doing little things for and with myself.  But it's so much easier said than done.

And there's a certain amount of guilt that goes along with it too, isn't there?  I mean, today I decided to take a long hot shower and shave my legs instead of doing the dishes.  Yeah, the shower felt really nice, but dang! those dishes are still there waiting for me.  And what if they're still sitting there when my Bubba gets home?  I'll be embarrassed that I was so selfish to shower instead of making a nice clean kitchen.  (Have I mentioned before that I'm kind of a clean freak? ESPECIALLY with the kitchen)  

That's just something that I'm going to have to get over, because my Bubba couldn't care less about whether the dishes are done when he gets home or not.  But my point is that there's always something to do.  And how do I keep from not feeling guilty about making myself a higher priority than some other things around there?

It's super easy to make excuses not to do nice things for myself.  I would go to the gym, but Lucy might get hungry while I'm gone (regardless if there's a pumped bottle in the fridge) or she might cry and be crabby for my Bubba after he's had a long day at work.  Like somehow everything she does is my responsibility...  I'd love to be able to just let it be, but it's really hard.

I'd like to start going to the gym and taking care of my body to go along with my Hot By Thirty diet.  I'd like to run a 5k with my Bubba at some point in the not-so-distant future.  I'd like to go to Sephora and smell all the perfumes.  I'd like to get on my road bike before the weather turns to crap for good.  My over-thinking brain makes me go over a thousand and eighty scenarios of what things might look like if I go off and do something.  What if, what if, what if... 

This week I started volunteering with the youth group at my church.  It's a fun, cute group of kids, but I could NOT stop thinking about how Lucy was doing at home with my Bubba.  I didn't call (thank you very much) but I wanted to!  It turns out they had a fabulous time hanging out and I shouldn't have worried.

That was the first step.  I'm going to call and make an appointment for a massage.  And then in a couple weeks, a haircut.  I'm no good to my baby if I'm not a happy mommy, right?  So, I have to put aside all the excuses and just start a QLT regimen.  

Who knew it would be so hard...

5 comments:

Two Sick Peas In A Pod said...

Amen Sister

maggie said...

It gets easier. Well, I think you still feel sort of guilty, but you can focus on other stuff besides "will she eat? will she nap?"

P had to deal with my giant SAHM identity crisis last year. Lots and lots of talking, but we figured out a QMT (get that?) plan and it really helped. Also when he would acknowledge the hard ass work. That helped too.

Carrie said...

Good girl for realizing it so early! Sounds like you're off to a good start.

Kate P said...

I think the sign of a really caring person is that tendency to feel guilty when taking time for oneself. The smart caring person realizes it's necessary.

QLT = TLC. I like it!

Elizabeth said...

You absolutely need some QLT, but don't forget QCT (Quality Couple Time). That gets lost in the shuffle with a newborn too. It's harder when you don't have family close. We were lucky enough to have my family BEG to take Olivia overnight on occasion, and I can't tell you how big a difference that made. But if you can find a trusted friend to take her for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon so you and your husband can see a movie or attend a concert or go out to dinner, it really helps you feel more like a normal human being. Even though you'll miss her the whole time you are out.