I was supposed to wake up to an infant crying in a bassinet with distant memories of labor and a hospital. Evidently God didn't get my memo or the eight ka-zillion requests I sent up with it. Or maybe He threw it out thinking "Pshaw! This is a wonderful teaching opportunity!"
I am not what you would call a patient person. Well, let me define my parameters here. I am not an impatient person fixed on instant gratification. Nor am I someone who can focus on a goal that is more than a week away. I have life goals that spread over years, but I need to relegate them to the very recesses of my mind or become obsessed with the fact that I'm not getting there by next Sunday. I need small manageable bites of all the elephants I try to eat.
Something that always strikes me in Yoga is when my instructor says "Stay in the present." I don't know about you, but I am always thinking about the next thing. The mess in my house or the work project that's half done on my desk or what I might want to make for dinner. I would love to stay in the present all the time and take things as they come. That's something that my Bubba is really good at that I'm trying to absorb. I try to stay in the present, but I have a wandering mind that somehow likes to worry about "what then" and "what if".
Pregnancy meant I had to give up control completely. I have no say when and where and how things happen. I've been forced to go with the flow and manage. I guess that's one of the first lessons of parenthood. The lesson that maybe this isn't about me anymore, and instead about something bigger. I have been surprisingly ok with things like heartburn or insomnia or swollen feet being out of my hands, considering my relatively low adaptability quotient. I've not made too many plans or struggled for control. Until there were no other short term goals.
The week-by-week pregnancy book is read and finished. I was addicted to that book because it gave me a week's worth of stuff to think about ( I skipped all the bad, scary things) and it made me look forward to Sunday nights when the Bubba and I would lay in bed and learn about what's going on this week. There is no more. The baby's done. No more benchmarks, no more little goals. I can't handle this time ambiguity!! When are you coming!!!!!
So God, I know that You're probably trying to get me to let go of this one last thing and learn a little bit of patience and faith in Your will. But I might be learning disabled in that respect.