Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I Just Can't Fight It

I've been trying to keep my pregnancy rants to once-a-week blow out posts.  And this for a couple of reasons.  The first is so that you don't start hating me because of the constant bitching.  The second is that I've come to the conclusion that obsessing does me no good either.

So, I'd really love to fill this space with deep thoughts of dynamic proportions that inspire interesting conversations and make you chuckle and think "oh, how true!"  But there's just no fighting it any more.  I must discuss pregnancy.

It seems that when it hit me that I have less than a week to go until my due date, my feelings changed about ...um... everything.  I starting having crying fits of weak resolve wailing "What if I can't do this?!"  And not referring to labor and delivery.  I mean bringing a kid home.  I'm scared to death!  An infant!  In my house!  That I have to take care of!

The raging-swinging-polar hormone-induced moods have been pretty awesome lately.  One of the Bubba's colleagues that was due the same day as we are had her baby on Sunday.  My first reaction was "WAH!  WHY HER?  WHY NOT ME? WAH!"  I've become really good at throwing fits and being grumpy in general.

And these mood swings are only augmented by the fatigue from the random insomnia.  I'm still not used to waking up to turn over.  It has now become a step-by-step process for which I almost need a guide book.  
Step one: decide you are uncomfortable and try to budge.  
Step two: wake up because your body does not respond to your effort to budge.
Step three: scoot hind parts so that your elbow can prop up your enormous corpulence.  
Step four: as gently as possible, catapult yourself over using elbow as a pivot.  
Step five:  re-rearrange all pillows supporting said corpulence.  
Step six: lay awake for the next 45 minutes at least wondering why if you're so tired you can't just for the love of all that is holy go to sleep.

And yet, the concrete reality of having a baby has yet to set in.  At church on Sunday there was an announcement for a volunteer opportunity and I was all "I should do that" and I almost signed up for it before I thought, "oh, wait, I'm going to be having a baby."  I shouldn't plan anything for next week because who knows!  And then I stood there with bewildered blankness on my face as my brain slowly melted.

Now we've come to the point where I'm really worried about Tad's name.  We haven't named her yet.  She is nameless and it stresses me out.  We do, however, have a list of names that we love and we're hoping that she inspires us to choose one over the others when we see her.  I am now doubting all the names we've whittled down to the short list.  And I don't trust myself to just come up with something after going through an exhausting labor.  God knows, she'd probably come home with a name like Jehosaphat because it had a good ring to it at the time. 

So I'm back to poring over the baby name books searching for the possible gem that we overlooked the first time around.  The Bubba had the idea to create a poll on the blog and let y'all choose from our short list.  I really can't think of a worse scenario.  Chances are, I'd end up naming her something that you didn't pick and then feel awful that I picked the name that nobody liked.  I can't do that to myself!  Gah!  The PRESSURE!  I keep trying to convince myself that the name doesn't matter so much when there's a cute little person attached to it...

And thus concludes this episode of mindless pregnancy ranting by yours truly.  Please send cake.


Manda said...

Don't fret, girl. It's the life you're living right now! And your play by play of turning over ... SO TRUE!!! Ha!
Hang in there, we'll bumble through this together, blog by blog. :)

Elizabeth said...

Honestly, nothing can prepare you for bringing a newborn home for the first time. However, I can assure you that there is a motherly instinct that kicks in that really helps. Even though the first several weeks were a blur and not the best time of my life, I did take time to bask the the preciousness of her sleeping or cooing or the little noises she made when she was eating. It helped get through the rough first weeks. And I kept reminding myself that this stage (whatever stage) was only temporary, and it would get better. And it DID! She's an absolute joy now, and I'm a much more confident Mommy. Hang in there. It will be fine.

Lindsay said...

No one is going to tell you that you've picked out a terrible name when it's already attached to a tiny, adorable little thing. I actually think that it's probably better to NOT tell people your name choices, because then you won't have to feel awful if others don't happen to like a name that you absolutely love. Whatever you choose, it will be perfect. After all, YOU were chosen to be her mother, not anyone else. :o)