Monday, May 19, 2008

Sausage Fingers (and Toes) or Hormones Will Be My Demise

I've come to the point of this amazing journey they call pregnancy where my hands and feet are swollen.  The warm temperatures aren't helping any, but I refuse to complain about the lovely weather we've been having as of late.  Mmmm lovely....

Anyway, back to my enormous appendages.  I find that it does not take too long for my feet to get swollen from standing or just at the end of the day for being the end of the day.  I expected this - I've seen pregnant ankles before.  I was a little surprised, though, when my fingers followed suit.  It's like trying to pick up a fork with a bunch of bananas.  Ok, maybe I exaggerate.

But I can't wear my wedding rings anymore.  I was discussing this with a kindred spirit on Saturday (she is 29 weeks and I am 30) and we both have experienced the people who glance at the baby bump and then immediately glance at the left hand ring finger.  Then either a smile or silent judgement ensue.  This, of course, is from among the strangers that actually CARE that another human is pregnant and/or married: ie) older people.  I have yet to see someone from my generation even outwardly notice my pregnant state unless they too are pregnant and we happen to be in the same baby shop or sharing empathy smiles as we waddle around Greenlake.

That said, I didn't realize the emotional impact of taking off the rings I've been wearing for the last three years.  Swelling modifications + crazy raging hormones = particularly exciting range of emotions.  I tried on every other ring I own to cover up the naked spot on my "love" finger to no avail.  Finally, Bubba found a plain white gold ring that I had given him when we were dating just before he moved to Sweden and it fits perfectly on the sausage that is my finger.

The removal of my wedding rings and the memories of that time in our lives - Bubba was moving to Sweden, I was starting a job in France in the fall, we had no idea where our lives and relationship were going - blind-sided me as I wore this different ring.  I became completely attached to Bubba and had to be next to him touching him basically the whole weekend.  I sobbed when I thought of a time when I was particularly insensitive (see: mean and nasty) with him last summer.  A year ago!  I told him over and over again that I love him and I don't want him to ever leave me.  I had nightmares that he was far away and I had to somehow make it without him.

In other words, I became a clingy emotional wreck.  Some of the emotional residue is still filmy on my insides today, but I'm trying to get past it.  My goodness, hormones have to be the most powerful drugs in the UNIVERSE.  They can change a normally happy, rational person into a needy, empty tank waiting to be filled.  I just keep thinking, this better not be a symptom of the third trimester in general, or I might go crazy simply because I can't stand MYSELF, and I have no idea how Bubba's going to get through this!  Good thing he's got the patience of a saint.  

Whew!  Wish us luck.


Swistle said...

I wore my rings on a chain around my neck, which made me feel a little better. But it did still feel weird not to have them on the fingers!

Kate P said...

I wondered how expecting women handled that--knowing me I'd take my rings off and lose them.

White gold is my favorite.